I Am Not Okay. But I Will Be

For the past week and a half I have been battling my inner demon, Anxiety. There are times I find my strength, I am able to reassure those I love with hope and positivity. However, it seems like every time I let the light it, the dark demon rises. The fire begins in my belly, creeping it’s way to my chest and my face. I feel hot, my breathing alters its rhythm, I begin to worry I am one of many cases in this scary new world. Then I breathe, I focus on the light, and somehow I find my way back.

I don’t know what our world is going to look like after the dust settles. I don’t know how long I’ll be isolated. That’s the hardest part, not knowing. Yet, I can find comfort in knowing I’m not alone. None of us know what’s going to happen, and while it’s a hard serrated pill to swallow, we have to find our peace. I’m an extrovert, I thrive off friends and interactions, I am a planner, I am a go-getter at heart, but for the unforeseeable future I am none of these things. I am not okay. But I will be.

I don’t want to be away from work. I miss my coworkers, their unique and quirkiness. I miss the fight we fight together. I was progressing, for the first time in 15 yeas, in my career. I was finding my advocate voice, I was on the verge of showing the world the true meaning of visual impairments. I was creating my own path in the braille world. Now, I don’t know what’s going to happen. I don’t know if or when my promotion will go through. I don’t know when or if I’ll be able to showcase the VI departments’ true talents to the city, state, and hopefully, eventually, the world. I’m not okay. But I will be.

Isolation will not silence my voice, it will not squash my passion. 15 years will not be erased in 2 months. The importance of educators is being recognized on a global scale. Our day to day work lives are on the front steps of every parent like they have never been before. Maybe this is the situation where our respect is found. Many things make this world revolve and evolve, one of the most under appreciated, funded, and compensated, is education. I hope 2020 will be the year that teachers don’t have to strike because a living wage will be provided for all.

I miss my friends. I was at the onset of strengthening and reconnecting several friendship. My tribe was forming. Gatherings were planned and connections were developing. I was associating with people whose path separated from my own eons ago. We were bonding on our shared history, being there for those we haven’t been there for in a long time. I had unexpected birthday guests and those who changed their plans to get me out of the house on a devastating anniversary. Now I feel like the darkness of our current situation is pulling us apart, that the energy to stay connected is diminishing with each passing hour. I am not okay. But I will be.

The darkness I was ashamed to share before is something that in reality, we can all connect on. We are finding strength seeking out comfort from people we would not normally reach to. We are not alone in our struggles, and while they are different from one to another, we bond. My strength can help their weakness, and my weakness dissipates with their strength. Virtual gatherings are becoming the norm, so the idea that I can have happy hour with a bestie who lives across the country is something that is no longer an excuse of distance. We are in a time when we are more connected than ever, and now we can be connected to those who matter the most, no matter how long or short the distance truly is. I have never contemplated having a dance party with my family separated by 100s of miles, but now that seems not only doable but necessary.

I feel trapped. I want to explore my city by enjoying locally created librations with friends. I want to get items I need (or want) from stores I love as I fulfill my desire to redecorate. Sure it’s superficial, but it’s a freedom that I am lucky to be able to enjoy. I don’t know how long this will last, I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to live the life I used to. I don’t want my world to change. I don’t want someone else to dictate how I am going to live my life for the next few months. I am heartbroken that several friends have lost their jobs, that so many careers are paused with no clue on when they will be able to restart. I am devastated that two of the most important people in my life cannot finish out their final year at their institutions. I am hurt that they cannot participate in seminole events that we should have the ability to experience. I am petrified that the world that I know, the one I have created for myself will never be the same. I am not okay. But I will be.

I am frightened that one of my loved ones, or myself, will contract this virus. I watch my mother like a hawk, monitoring every cough, sneeze, daily action for an alteration to the norm. I am aware of her risk, and if I was the one who caused an infection I wouldn’t ever be able to forgive myself. I absorb the symptoms of the virus and the differences between that and a cold or seasonal allergies. My anxiety flairs with a scratchy throat, listing my limited outside movements in my head to track my risk. I am so terrified I will be personally connected to those in the ICU. I am not okay. But I will be.

My mother is strong, one of the strongest women I have ever had the honor to know. It is true she is at a higher risk than others, but she is taking care of herself, following doctors and CDC orders. I have limited my exposure to the outside world and have participated in necessary precautious to the best of my ability. We have self-isolated and doing what we can to help our immunity. We are doing what we need to do in order to stay healthy. My mom is healthy, my mom is okay.

I will be okay because no matter what darkness I face each day I have faith. I have faith that the strong country we live in will bounce back. We have battled hardships and enemies from our inception, we will not let an invisible one break us. I have faith that the professions that have been abandoned (educators, health care, service industry) will be given the respect and compensation they deserve. I have faith that our fractured infrastructure will mend, that we will acquire leaders who are selfless instead of selfish. 

I will be okay because I am doing my part. I am staying at home because health professionals are staying at work. I am self-isolating so my mom and I can continue our journey together. I am in agreement with quarantine because we need to be separated so we can be together in the future. Yes, it’s a battle each day, but in order to battle this I am taking a step back. I am slowing down, I am creating, I’m connecting with others, and I am taking a moment to realize how beautiful my life and surroundings are. Just because we pause for a month or more does not mean we are surrendering. We are fighters. None of us know when this will end, but I have faith that it will end.

Written by Lisa M Mejia

NOTE: I want to send a heartfelt THANK YOU to the friends and family who have been there the last week. The ones who reached out their hand to help, the ones who listened while I expressed my worry, the ones who talked me back to reality. I am grateful for your friendships, you are the ones who have helped me find my strength.